14 th June. I turn 24 that day.Seen in the larger scheme of things , its almost a trivial amount of time.Inconsequential you might say.
But when I wake up everyday with a hundred different emotions running through my head,thousands of paradoxical beliefs fighting it out and a million neurons firing end to end at one go..I feel I have felt too much ,too fast , in too little an amount of time . Maybe I need to pay attention to that hollow voice that keeps telling my brain to shut the fuck up, the one that screams "enough".
Too much is never enough.
Why do I have to have an opinion on everything . Issues that will never affect me keep me awake at night. Issues that are supposed to matter are met with a cold stare and a derisive smirk.
I am full of myself, I do not see reasons to be otherwise. so are you. so is everyone is else.
I have my own little kingdom where my ego is king.so do you. so does everyone else.
I dont have that one dream goal that I want to achieve. I dont have that one point where I want to reach. I am not looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
I just want to enjoy the ride and laugh at the leprechauns.
Curiosity.
Motivates,frustrates,intrigues,confuses ,pushes my life forward and kills cats...all at the same bloody time.
Most of my days end with an exclamation and begin with a question mark. I like to be ruthless with my brain.It started off as a novelty and evolved into a habit.
There was a time when I never got tired of asking "why". Much to the chagrin of my near and dear ones and much to the joy of my neighbourhood cigarette vendor I moved on to "why not".
I moved to the other side just to see how greener the grass was. All I discovered was that the other side had another side... so I kept moving on..and am still moving on.Curiosity. That word again.
In this mad ride..there are people who I have walked away from.People who deserved better. People who needed stability.People who did not need me.I was the shining knight in armour who never knew he existed.
Right or wrong..not for me to say. I have made my presence, as well as my absence felt in peoples lives. For better or for worse.. I dont know..what I do know is , I will pay my dues.
What goes around ,comes around.
Whats left to see is which side of the scale is the balance tilted on..I always do love a little bit of suspense.
Guilt.Felt it.Felt it creep in me in me,crawl under my skin and take over.Did anyone notice... its just like fear.
Did anyone think..it is fear.Fear of consequences.If you had to feel bad about something you've done,why would you do it in the first place.
When someone coined the term "brutally honest"..I dont think they realised how apt it was.
In this innate quest to replace fear with curiosity,the hatred left behind is bound to catch up.
I am bound to be consumed by it. Thats the day the exclamations and the question marks will be replaced by one big full stop.When?How? Dont know.Dont care.
Welcome to my world.Have a nice day.
5 comments:
Like there were not enough ripples already that I was facing....and let it flow, he says
Ah! We have great similarities there, Nick bhai-- like you, I am one forever lost in my thoughts, dreams and opinions. I don't know why I even have to form an opinion about every darned thing in the world; just that I know I do. Almost subconciously!
Curiosity is one big thing: a thing certainly worth nurturing. Even though it can be a bit sharp-edged at times and get us into sticky situations. And that's because curiosity drives us to know what we do not-- pushing us a step further towards the ultimate realisation (what it is, I do not exactly know, and yet it is there!). Asking "why" is very important-- our search for truth is intertwined with that magic three-letter word. Come to think of it, there's no real difference between "why" and "why not"-- just two faces of the same coin.
I, innately, have never been able to think too much about my past actions. Yes, I have been wrong on several occasions-- but I have never regretted for too long. There's this enormous sadness tucked away in some corner of my heart, forever ready to burst out. Only that I can actually smile even when my heart doesn't want to.
Fear is something that keeps the mind under control. Something that does not let you go the wrong way. Strange though it may seem, the best realisations nearly almost occur to me just when I am afraid and gloomy. It happened just the other day!
Lastly, I do not know if I have an ego. An inner voice? Yes. A conscience? Yes. But, an ego? Don't know. Maybe that is too much a part of my own self to be identified differently as such.
Damn, I started with my rants all over again! :)
if you did not care,
would you be writing this?
:P
keep writing :)
Dude,
Nice! I get this feeling you have a lot to say. You write pretty well too, but your writing could do with some more structure.
Don't let your pen run dry.
Cheers,
~ Y
an extremely honest piece of writing! Its this sort of writing that is very rare to come by :)
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